The Best Funny Jokes

I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied: “Aisle B, back.”
December 05, 2019
My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
December 05, 2019
A cheetah and a lion are racing.
The cheetah wins.
The lion says: man you a cheetah.
The cheetah says: nah man you a lion.
December 05, 2019
I made a bicycle by folding up some paper in my desk drawer.
It doesn't move though - it's a stationery bike.
December 05, 2019
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.
December 05, 2019
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover.
December 04, 2019
My toothpaste fell off the brush and into the sink.
I’m Crestfallen.
December 03, 2019
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
December 03, 2019
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.
December 03, 2019
My little son asked me where you find giant snails?
“Easy, on giant’s fingers. “
December 03, 2019
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’
He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
December 03, 2019
Dear food. Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
December 03, 2019
What's the difference between a poorly dressed monkey on a tricycle and a well-dressed monkey on a bicycle?
Attire.
December 03, 2019
What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor.
December 03, 2019
+1
Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend.
December 03, 2019
What do you call a row of men waiting for a hair cut?
A Barbercue.
December 02, 2019
Cop pulled me over and said: “PAPERS.”
I yelled “scissors” and drove off.
December 01, 2019
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
December 01, 2019
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
It’s irrelephant.
December 01, 2019
What did the magic fisherman say?
Pick a cod. Any cod.
December 01, 2019
If I had to rate our solar system.
I’d give it one star.
December 01, 2019
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
December 01, 2019
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
December 01, 2019
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
December 01, 2019
My friends claim I’m the cheapest guy I know...
I’m not buying it.
November 30, 2019
Dear radio stations. You do realize there is more than just 10 songs in the world, right?
November 30, 2019
What do you call an explosive monkey?
A baboom.
November 30, 2019
My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits.
November 30, 2019
To ride a horse or not to ride a horse.
That is equestrian.
November 30, 2019
My son wants a porcupine without quills as a house pet.
I said: “That’s completely pointless.”
November 30, 2019


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