The Best Funny Jokes

I was recently involved in kind of a serious driving accident, which you may have suspected. It was not completely my fault because the other guy involved was really drunk. But he was at a slight disadvantage because he didn't have his car with him at the time.
November 22, 2019
What do you call a can opener that's broken?
A can’t opener.
November 21, 2019
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
November 21, 2019
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord.
November 21, 2019
What's a cannibal's favorite snack?
A knuckle sandwich.
November 21, 2019
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
November 21, 2019
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That speaks volumes.
November 21, 2019
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.
November 21, 2019
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
November 21, 2019
People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.
November 21, 2019
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” and “burial”.
November 20, 2019
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors.
November 20, 2019
A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up.
I said: “Sure. 70.”
November 20, 2019
I just started a business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
November 20, 2019
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: “Floors are beneath me.”
November 19, 2019
Where did Noah keep his fish?
In a multi-storey carp ark.
November 19, 2019
What is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee.
November 19, 2019
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
November 19, 2019
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
November 19, 2019
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than....
Blue and yellow combined.
November 19, 2019
I asked this young kid -- let's call him, Toby Out of Seattle -- I go, 'Toby, why do you bungee jump?' He's like, 'Well, to get the feelings of falling to my death and snapping back at the last second.' 'Really? Have you ever heard of tequila shots?'
November 18, 2019
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said: “Mark, my words!”
November 17, 2019
What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
November 17, 2019
What do you call a strategist with nice breath?
A tictacian
November 17, 2019
Some of my closest friends might describe me as "deceitful".
Jokes on them though. They aren’t my friends.
November 17, 2019
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig, he digs, she digs....
It’s not a beautiful poem - but it’s deep.
November 17, 2019
All my colleagues at work call me “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice of nickname, but I’m ok with it.
November 17, 2019
My wife and I were both happy for 26 years
Turn we met.
November 17, 2019
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept on ringing.
November 17, 2019
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I would be like, why am I always getting this free money?
November 17, 2019


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