The Best Funny Jokes

Waiter: How would you like your steak?
Dad: “Cooked?”
Waiter: “Well done?”
Dad: “Thanks, I’m something of a chef myself.”
August 18, 2019
A sign you are a grown up is when you realize, school is actually more fun than work.
August 18, 2019
That awkward moment when there is no toilet paper.
August 18, 2019
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
August 17, 2019
I farted in a packed elevator today!
I knew it was wrong on so many levels.
August 17, 2019
I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk.
Today I ended up skipping dinner.
August 17, 2019
Why are the North Koreans the best at geometry?
Because they’ve got a Supreme Ruler.
August 16, 2019
Why are mountains funny?
Because they’re hill areas.
August 16, 2019
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention?
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.
That did the trick.
August 16, 2019
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
August 16, 2019
What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?
Unbelievable.
August 16, 2019
toilet = One minute

toilet + phone = Half an hour
toilet + phone + wifi =2 hours
toilet + phone + wifi + a charger = all day long
August 16, 2019
My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.
So I bought him a toy Yoda.
August 15, 2019
Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.
August 15, 2019
Did you know there’s no canaries on the Canary Islands?
Same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either.
August 14, 2019
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.
Strange name but she tortoise well.
August 14, 2019
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese refused to recognise Ty won.
August 14, 2019
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again...
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
August 14, 2019
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a Fanta Sea.
August 13, 2019
I do a magic show where I make marijuana and cocaine disappear.
It’s all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.
August 13, 2019
Why did the partially blind man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
August 13, 2019
Awkward moment when someone born in 1999 says: "I miss 90s"
August 13, 2019
IF THIS IS YELLING and this is talking, I woNDeR wHat THis sOUnDs LikE?
August 13, 2019
How do 1960s baby boomers change a lightbulb?
They don’t. They just tell you how good the old one was.
August 12, 2019
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress (slaps me round the face): “That’s none of your business!”
August 12, 2019
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
So is that my wife or my girlfriend?
August 12, 2019
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “Listening. Yes I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.”
August 12, 2019
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A specTater.
August 12, 2019
[friend] Can I ask you something?
[me] You're already asking.
August 12, 2019
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
“This takes me back.”
August 12, 2019


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