The Best Funny Jokes

Run out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg.
March 17, 2020
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.
March 17, 2020
You know why rich kids dress like gangster rappers? 'Cause they want an air of criminality about themselves.... Kid, you want to dress like a real criminal, dress like your dad. Dudes in suits have done far worse crimes than a gangster rapper could ever dream of. I guarantee you, a load of gangster rappers have never teamed up and stolen the mineral rights in a developing country. That's never happened -- the album would be too long.
March 16, 2020
Bad relationship can ruin a good song.
March 16, 2020
I was working recently in London -- what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates -- the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'
March 16, 2020
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
March 16, 2020
I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
March 16, 2020
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night.
Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever.
March 15, 2020
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo.
March 15, 2020
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That’s the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
March 15, 2020
I feel sorry for Michael. I have ever since I saw that Oprah Winfrey interview, where we found out he has that thing that causes black people to gradually lose their color -- what's it called? Money.
March 15, 2020
Having a baby is a huge responsibility. It's like a five-year commitment.
March 15, 2020
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we’ll witness the rise of the quaranteens.
March 14, 2020
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
March 14, 2020
You know what makes me throw up?
A dartboard on a ceiling.
March 14, 2020
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record.
It was his vinyl request
March 14, 2020
Guys like me never get girls in the movies, right? You never see a guy like me with a girl. Alright -- we get them, and then somebody unties them.
March 14, 2020
My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
March 13, 2020
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
Times new ramen!
March 13, 2020
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
March 13, 2020
What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
The shovel.
March 13, 2020
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians.
March 13, 2020
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it’s only a bank robbery.
March 13, 2020
What do you call a girl who sets fire to bank loans?
Bernadette.
March 13, 2020
If I ever have a car alarm, if I ever have a car, it's just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go, 'Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!' Because then, people are gonna come running -- maybe not the kind of people who can help a whole lot, but people, nonetheless.
March 12, 2020
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job.
March 11, 2020
I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.
When they ask what I do everyday, I say:
“Y’know. Stuff.”
March 11, 2020
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat.
I’ve had a stiff neck all day.
March 11, 2020
Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles?
A: A Protractor
March 10, 2020
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.
“No. I always give 110%”.