The Best Funny Jokes

I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: Go ahead, knock yourself out.
February 18, 2020
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite...
When I got home I realised I’d only picked seven up.
February 18, 2020
What’s a cannibal’s favourite game?
Swallow the leader.
February 18, 2020
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
February 16, 2020
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
February 16, 2020
My life is a joke.
February 16, 2020
For the past three weeks, I've been jogging a mile a day.
Now I don’t know where I am.
February 16, 2020
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
February 16, 2020
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
February 15, 2020
I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day.
February 15, 2020
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
February 15, 2020
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking: “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
February 15, 2020
How do you cut an ocean in two?
With a sea-saw.
February 15, 2020
Seven has "even" in it.
That’s odd.
February 15, 2020
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni.
February 15, 2020
[friend] What a perfect morning for a run.
[me] What a perfect morning for sleeping more.
February 14, 2020
I’ve just injected steroids into my arm.
Anabolic?
No, just my arm.
February 14, 2020
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
February 14, 2020
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once.
February 14, 2020
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000.
Mario: Why?
Judge: It’s a fine.
Mario: (sadly) No itsa not.
February 14, 2020
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: “Dad can’t you just use a sponge?”
February 13, 2020
My Viagra addiction...
Was the hardest time of my life.
February 13, 2020
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit, Sherlock.
February 13, 2020
What is the most effective way to quit being vegan?
Cold turkey.
February 12, 2020
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
All the seats were already taken.
February 12, 2020
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
February 11, 2020
If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go?
Trouter space.
February 11, 2020
What should you do if you’re addicted to sea weed?
Sea kelp.
February 11, 2020
Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
February 11, 2020
Who can drink 2 litres of gasoline.
Jerry can.
February 11, 2020


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