The Best Funny Jokes

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture...
I told her I’m just looking for matches.
July 14, 2019
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
July 14, 2019
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some very good footage.
July 14, 2019
What's it like living in North Korea?
Cant complain.
July 14, 2019
Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
July 13, 2019
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
July 13, 2019
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie.
July 13, 2019
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?"
“Swarm.”
July 12, 2019
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies.
July 12, 2019
What did the pessimist say to the chef?
Everything you make turns to shit.
July 12, 2019
+1
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
July 12, 2019
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
July 12, 2019
Good bakers use real butter so that there is no margarine for error.
July 12, 2019
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny that I used to know.
July 12, 2019
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just...
A whim away a whim away a whim away...
July 12, 2019
My question is -- after you've been arrested three or four times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a bag of weed, let's get a gun, let's get a six-pack and -- f**k it -- I'll drive!'
July 12, 2019
Today my wife said "I would love to go to the south of France one day".
I replied: “That would be Nice.”
July 12, 2019
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...
..or did she?
July 11, 2019
My obese parrot died the other day.
Have to admit it’s a big weight off my shoulders.
July 11, 2019
Sometimes it feels like the lyrics to a song you're listening to were written just for you.
July 11, 2019
A shoplifter stole an entire case of Red Bull from my store today.
I have no idea how he can sleep at night.
July 11, 2019
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice but I’m ok with it.
July 10, 2019
I swear to drunk I’m not God...
But seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don’t do vegetables.
July 10, 2019
Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI.
But catscan.
July 10, 2019
What did the alien say to the cat?
Take me to your litter.
July 10, 2019
A shoplifter stole and entire case of Red Bull from my store today.
I have no idea how he can sleep at night.
July 10, 2019
That awesome moment when you're at a party and your favorite song comes on.
July 10, 2019
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
July 09, 2019
My neighbours listen to really good music…
Whether they like it or not.
July 09, 2019
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Seems she was see someone else the whole time.
July 09, 2019


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