The Best Funny Jokes

Old enough to know better. Young enough to do it anyway.
September 13, 2019
Hungry enough to check the fridge. Lazy enough to sleep more.
September 13, 2019
Paid up front for small carpenter to do me a double bed...
But he’s only gone and done a bunk.
September 13, 2019
What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra.
September 12, 2019
One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends.
He’s an anti-depress ant.
September 12, 2019
Bad puns are how eye roll.
September 12, 2019
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the...
Minneapolis.
September 12, 2019
An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.
Wife: “Wire you insulate?”
Electrician: “Watts it to you? I’m ohm aren’t I?”
September 12, 2019
Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.
September 12, 2019
Man: “Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Man: “Ever since I was Lidl.”
September 12, 2019
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
September 11, 2019
Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes?
It’s called the iLid.
September 11, 2019
Whats the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, while the other one can hoot but not shit.
September 11, 2019
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
September 11, 2019
I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up...
I lost my case.
September 11, 2019
Good friends give you food. Best friends take your food.
September 11, 2019
Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'
September 11, 2019
Roses are red. I'm going to bed.
September 11, 2019
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”
September 10, 2019
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
September 10, 2019
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
September 10, 2019
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other sentences?”
September 10, 2019
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought: “This isn’t for me.”
September 10, 2019
What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig?
Pulled pork.
September 10, 2019
I said to the baker “how come all your cakes are 50p but that one is £1?”
He said: “That’s Madeira cake.”
September 10, 2019
Did you hear about the incredibly average philosopher?
His name was mediocrates.
September 09, 2019
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Round?
Round...
Get a round?
I’ll get a round...
September 09, 2019
What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other?
Assymmetrical.
September 08, 2019
My father saved up his whole life so he could be cremated.
He urned it.
September 08, 2019
My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don’t mind.
I take it with a pinch of sugar.
September 08, 2019


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