The Best Funny Jokes

My wife left me saying I was a too paranoid and insecure.
No wait! She was just making a cup of tea.
May 12, 2019
Now that I live there, I actually find that I'm around the people that I can't stand to be around the most, which are these elitist people. You know, hipster people that have an opinion on, like, everything that you should wear and all the cool music you should listen to. They'll critique any movie you like -- you know, as you're watching something, walk into the room and be like, 'Really? Really? You like 'Short Circuit'? The book is better.'
May 12, 2019
Hey, have you guys read that bald men make better lovers? Oh, well, 'cause I've been writing it everywhere.
May 12, 2019
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
May 12, 2019
I just found out I’m colour blind.
The diagnosis came out of the purple.
May 12, 2019
What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
May 11, 2019
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
May 11, 2019
What weighs less than blue?
Light blue.
May 11, 2019
I finally bought my son his first watch.
It’s about time.
May 11, 2019
Writing "etc" on a test because you don't remember any more examples.
May 11, 2019
Will glass coffins ever become popular ?
Remains to be seen.
May 10, 2019
I ordered a giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night.
The bill was huge!
May 10, 2019
A North Korean soldier walks into a bar.
The bartender asks: “How’s it going?”
The North Korean soldier replies: “Can’t complain.”
May 10, 2019
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!BREATHE!!!!!!!!!BREATHE!!!!!!!
May 09, 2019
+1
I yelled “cow!” to a women on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she piled her bike straight into the cow.
May 09, 2019
What happens when you eat aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
May 09, 2019
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.
May 09, 2019
When I don’t have money, I want to buy everything I see. When I do have money, I don’t know what to buy.
May 09, 2019
People aren't afraid of saying "I love you".
They are afraid of hearing the response.
May 09, 2019
People say that circumcision doesn’t hurt, but I disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for over a year.
May 08, 2019
Recently I bumped into the guy who sold me my antique globe.
It’s a small world.
May 08, 2019
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
May 08, 2019
Why do the Swedish navy have bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
May 08, 2019
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
Both crews ended up marooned.
May 08, 2019
What’s the one thing to guarantee you get butterflies?
Caterpillars.
May 08, 2019
I used to hate when I was little and have to go to church. I hated church until the day I discovered wine -- or what we Catholics call 'the blood of Christ.' I was like, 'You give wine to little kids? Heck, yes, I'll love me some Jesus. Bring it on! What would Jesus do? Get me hammered!' I was up to two bottles of Christ a day.
May 08, 2019
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
May 08, 2019
Why do cows wear bells around their necks.
Because their horns don’t work.
May 08, 2019
True fact: before the crowbar was invented...
most crows drank at home.
May 07, 2019
My favourite word is drool.
It just rolls off the tongue.
May 06, 2019
+1


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