The Best Funny Jokes

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open the oven as the door faces the wall.
November 30, 2019
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
November 30, 2019
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They’re in for a rude awakening.
November 30, 2019
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
November 29, 2019
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
November 28, 2019
Her: Why are the potatoes burnt?
Me: That’s for tomorrow.
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry Day.
November 28, 2019
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
November 28, 2019
Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.
November 28, 2019
I always knock on the fridge before I open it.
Just in case there’s a salad dressing.
November 28, 2019
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening...
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
November 28, 2019
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane because it’s lighter fluid.
November 27, 2019
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
November 27, 2019
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism.
November 27, 2019
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
November 27, 2019
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction.
And call it ElonGates.
November 27, 2019
I'm trying to become environmentally correct. I got an electric car... They're so cool, it's great. It's in the shop now. We're having a gas engine put in it.
November 26, 2019
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating...
Or just mething around?
November 26, 2019
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fee-Fi-Phobia.
November 26, 2019
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?
Homeless.
November 26, 2019
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar...
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
November 26, 2019
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
November 26, 2019
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat.
Me: No, that’s buoyancy.
November 24, 2019
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like 0mg.
November 24, 2019
My brother has two daughters -- disappointed he doesn't have a son to carry on his name. I said, 'Jerry, our name is Smith. Wake the hell up -- our name's being carried on in hotel rooms all over the country.'
November 24, 2019
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
November 24, 2019
A girl I’m dating owns a bakery and works long hours. I don’t think it’s going to work out.
She’s too kneady.
November 22, 2019
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house.
It’s the neighbourhood watch.
November 22, 2019
Sometimes I wake up and wonder why the pillows are on the floor.
November 22, 2019
I was recently involved in kind of a serious driving accident, which you may have suspected. It was not completely my fault because the other guy involved was really drunk. But he was at a slight disadvantage because he didn't have his car with him at the time.
November 22, 2019
What do you call a can opener that's broken?
A can’t opener.
November 21, 2019


MORE