The Best Funny Jokes

My mum wasn’t happy with my school report.
I said: “Okay.”
She said: “I want more AAs”.
I replied: “OKAAAAAAAAAY.”
March 21, 2019
Some people can't believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.
March 20, 2019
+1
My wife said “it’s over” and just walked out on me!
But I just sat there.
I always like watching the credits to the end.
March 19, 2019
+1
There was a catastrophic cyber attack recently: the govt is still looking for the hacker.
I think he ran some ware.
March 19, 2019
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her dog closes its eyes when it humps her leg.
March 19, 2019
+1
What does a Japanese tourist think when he sees a big Barney floating down Sixth Avenue? It's gotta be unsettling for the poor guy.
March 19, 2019
+1
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor's office?
A: It was feeling crummy.
March 19, 2019
+1
I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning, and the next day I do it all over again.
March 19, 2019
+3
How does the Pope pay for things on eBay?
He uses his Papal account.
March 19, 2019
+2
What do you call a man with a flatfish on his head?
Ray.
March 19, 2019
+2
My ex wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend.
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
March 19, 2019
+2
I tripped over my wife’s bra.
It was a booby trap.
March 19, 2019
+1
Why should you never iron a shamrock?
Because you shouldn’t press your luck.
March 19, 2019
+1
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal.
He was sick of me horsing around.
March 19, 2019
+1
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
March 18, 2019
+1
What do you call a dog with no legs?
You can call him whatever you like, he’s never going to come.
March 18, 2019
+1
I don't understand how some of you women can be abused by a man with a Jheri curl. That don't make no sense, man. All you gotta do is carry a lighter.
March 18, 2019
+2
My roommate is this completely psychotic, anal retentive nightmare roommate. He's the kind of guy who will eat bran on the toilet. He's insane. Why even eat the bran? Why don't you just buy the bran, throw it in your toilet and alleviate the middle man?
March 18, 2019
That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
March 18, 2019
My friends all claim I’m the cheapest person they’ve ever met.
I don’t buy it!
March 18, 2019
What do you call friends you like to eat with?
Tastebuds.
March 18, 2019
I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don't know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.
March 17, 2019
Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?
March 17, 2019
People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's ass in your food.
March 17, 2019
They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'
March 17, 2019
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: A rotisserie chicken.
March 17, 2019
+1
I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie -- just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'
March 17, 2019
Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
March 17, 2019
I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right -- those poor cows. I'm thinking of starting the first annual 'Take Back the Field' rally. I've got some slogans for the cows, like, 'Moo Means No!' Or, 'Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like pieces of meat!'
March 17, 2019
Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'