The Best Funny Jokes

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine.
January 05, 2020
Did you hear about the guy getting hit by the same bicycle everyday, day after day..
It was a vicious cycle.
January 05, 2020
+1
Q: A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker. Who wins?
A: The stupid blonde -- the other two don't exist.
January 05, 2020
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
January 04, 2020
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor.
January 04, 2020
I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume.
It’s something you can’t turn down.
January 04, 2020
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was Napoleon Blown Apart.
January 04, 2020
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
January 04, 2020
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
January 04, 2020
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: “There’s the door.”
January 04, 2020
This has to be the most Mondayest Thursday ever!
January 02, 2020
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
January 02, 2020
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t!
January 02, 2020
There’s only 1 rule in learning English.
Their our know rules.
January 02, 2020
My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.
I wasn’t expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.
January 02, 2020
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail.
January 02, 2020
Just learned the word for constipation in German.
Farfrompoopen.
January 02, 2020
Ah 2019...
I remember it as if it were yesterday.
January 02, 2020
Throughout 2019, I have been working on perfecting my eyesight.
It’s finally 2020.
January 02, 2020
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
January 02, 2020
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
January 01, 2020
I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen.
I can feel it.
January 01, 2020
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight and 2021.
January 01, 2020
Remember to poop before midnight tonight.
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
December 31, 2019
I don't need a stable relationship, I need a stable internet connection.
December 31, 2019
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic.
December 31, 2019
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens.
December 31, 2019
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
December 31, 2019
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
December 31, 2019
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Tennish.