The Best Funny Jokes

My dad told me to make little things count?
So now I’m teaching maths to dwarfs.
May 06, 2019
I just came home from work when my wife ran towards me and tore off all her clothes.
At that point, my wife flashed before my eyes.
May 05, 2019
Holmes: “I say old boy is that mud on your boots?”
Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock.”
May 05, 2019
Two friends chat and one boasts about his new car.
“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”
“Nice...where is it?”
“No idea!”
May 05, 2019
+1
I didn’t think I was fat...
Till the woman in McDonald’s said: “sorry about your weight.”
May 04, 2019
In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
How the stables have turned.
May 04, 2019
You go to Las Vegas now, they've got penny slot machines. Yeah, penny slot machines. First of all, if you are gambling and you've gotta get change for a nickel -- it's over.
May 03, 2019
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement?
In the end I ignore it all and click “I agree.”
May 02, 2019
My wife and I were up all night arguing about the laundry.
At 2AM, I folded.
May 02, 2019
What is green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
May 02, 2019
Spring is here but I can’t plant flowers yet...
I haven’t botany.
May 02, 2019
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
May 02, 2019
Me: I’m terrified of random letters!
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
May 02, 2019
Me: I’m terrified of random letter!
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
May 02, 2019
That strange moment when fake friends share a fake smile.
May 02, 2019
I just lost all my ice cubes in the kitchen.
But I’m not worried - it’s all just water under the fridge.
May 02, 2019
My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water.
I know he means well.
May 02, 2019
My wife always buys cheap toilet paper....
It’s a pain in the ass.
May 02, 2019
Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have formed a new band.
It’s called Dire Rea.
May 02, 2019
Why do all beaches smell of urine?
Because the sea wee’d.
May 01, 2019
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
May 01, 2019
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
May 01, 2019
"Lets stay up all night!"
2 hours later
"Screw this! I'm tired."
May 01, 2019
People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.
May 01, 2019
I do a lot of jokes about black people because my third best friend is black, OK? And I've had people say, 'Why does he have to be third?' And I'm like, 'Well, Mr. Sharpton, he's not that good of a friend. If he was a better friend, I'd move his black ass up. I'm not holding him down; I'm not holding a brother down -- I just don't have affirmative action friendships.'
May 01, 2019
What do you call a ghost’s boobies?
Paranormal entitties.
April 30, 2019
I told my dad I want to see Spider Man: Far From Home.
He said: “But surely it’s the same movie if you watch it here.”
April 30, 2019
How do you make an egg roll?
Push it down hill.
April 30, 2019
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married.
I asked him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
April 30, 2019
Is Google a man or a woman?
Woman because she doesn’t let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.