The Best Funny Jokes

A few years ago, I was moving a new bed into my apartment, and this woman who lived in the building opened the front door for me with her key. She said, 'I'm not worried because a rapist wouldn't have a bed like that.' That's how she started the conversation. Now, what I should have said was nothing. What I did say was 'You'd be surprised.'
November 14, 2019
The average person is really mean.
November 14, 2019
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here.
They just don’t work.
November 14, 2019
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I'd get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I think it’s holding me back.
November 14, 2019
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
November 14, 2019
Batman don't go anywhere in Nepal.
But Kathmandu.
November 14, 2019
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
November 13, 2019
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
November 13, 2019
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: “Word.
November 12, 2019
I haven't spoke to my wife in 7 years.
I don’t want to interrupt her.
November 12, 2019
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
November 11, 2019
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
November 11, 2019
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
November 10, 2019
Waiter: “Do you want a box for your leftovers?”
“No, but I’ll give you an arm wrestle.”
November 10, 2019
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
November 10, 2019
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
November 10, 2019
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
November 10, 2019
That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
November 09, 2019
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
November 08, 2019
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
November 08, 2019
What do you call a lumberjack with a website?
A b-logger.
November 08, 2019
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
November 08, 2019
This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday tuuuuuuuuesday weeeeeednesday thuuuursday friday weekend
November 08, 2019
I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help...
...but I stand corrected.
November 07, 2019
What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started?
A late boomer.
November 07, 2019
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...
They arrested me.
November 07, 2019
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
November 07, 2019
Why didn't 4 ask out 5.
Because he was 2²
November 07, 2019
'"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde.
"No," said the brunette.
"Okay," said the blonde. "You start."
November 06, 2019
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.