The Best Funny Jokes

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
July 31, 2019
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s sham poo.
July 31, 2019
I accidentally swallowed some string last night.
I shit you knot.
July 31, 2019
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
July 31, 2019
3 years ago I married my best friend...
My girlfriend was angry but Dave and me thought it was hilarious.
July 31, 2019
A bloke goes into a pet shop and asks for a wasp.
“We don’t sell wasps,” says the pet shop owner.
“Well there’s one in the window!”
July 31, 2019
My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair 'cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.
July 31, 2019
There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called camera.
July 31, 2019
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
July 30, 2019
When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."
She urned it.
July 30, 2019
I have been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
July 30, 2019
I went to Currys last night and asked the sales assistant for someone to help me with a toaster.
He said Kenwood.
July 30, 2019
That strange moment when the bell rings and the teacher is still teaching.
July 30, 2019
What happened when 30 got hungry?
38.
July 30, 2019
School and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
July 30, 2019
A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says, ''Hello, sir, I like your dog!''
The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, ''It's not a dog, it's a brick.''
The policeman replies, ''Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,'' and walks off rather puzzled.
As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, ''That fooled him, didn't it Rover?''
July 30, 2019
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
July 29, 2019
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam...”
July 29, 2019
I overdosed on viagra once.
Hardest day of my life.
July 29, 2019
Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
July 29, 2019
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock.
Now that's humerous.
July 28, 2019
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
July 28, 2019
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler...
Ever since, all I can think of is how to win her back.
July 28, 2019
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
July 27, 2019
If I had to rank you from 1 to 10 on your ability to pee...
I would say urinate.
July 27, 2019
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I’ve heard nothing since.
July 27, 2019
I was walking past a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me.”
July 27, 2019
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist.
July 27, 2019
Which is heavier: a litre of water or a litre of butane?
The water.
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.
July 27, 2019
Why do German girls all have the same phone number?
Every one of them I ask says 999-9999.