The Best Funny Jokes

I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover.
But that’s a story for another time.
May 16, 2020
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?
Prime rib.
May 16, 2020
There's a lot of cities in France, like Paris, Marseilles, or Lyon.
But there’s only one city that’s Nice.
May 16, 2020
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
May 16, 2020
My sword doesn’t weigh much.
It’s my light saber.
May 16, 2020
[L]ive [I]t [F]ully [E]veryday
May 15, 2020
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said: “But we haven’t even started yet!”
May 15, 2020
What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest?
Dinomite.
May 15, 2020
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code.
May 15, 2020
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
May 13, 2020
I just watched a program about beavers.
Best dam program I ever saw.
May 13, 2020
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
May 13, 2020
A good friend knows your best stories. The best friend has lived them with you.
May 13, 2020
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
May 13, 2020
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s half empty.
May 13, 2020
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes eggs sighted.
May 12, 2020
If I don’t perfect human cloning...
I won’t be able to live with myself.
May 11, 2020
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
“I am a turtle,” he says.
“Who’s on your back?”
“That’s Michelle.”
May 11, 2020
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
May 10, 2020
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
May 10, 2020
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: well yes, but actually no.
May 10, 2020
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.
May 10, 2020
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
May 10, 2020
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts.
May 10, 2020
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don’t exist until he wants something.
May 10, 2020
+1
People change and things go wrong, don't forget that life goes on.
May 09, 2020
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...
Ba-dumm-tsss
May 08, 2020
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
That’s when the steaks are highest.
May 08, 2020
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
May 08, 2020
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the Ark hives.
May 08, 2020


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