The Best Funny Jokes

If there's a hundred reasons to quit, there may be a thousand reasons not to give up.
July 09, 2019
What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?
The crews were marooned.
July 09, 2019
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.
So I got out of bed to look with him.
July 09, 2019
I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject.
Now when you mention botox, no one raises an eyebrow.
July 09, 2019
I didn't think my orthopedic shoes would work...
But I stand corrected.
July 08, 2019
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
July 08, 2019
Hugs were invented to let people know you love them without having to say anything.
July 08, 2019
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
July 08, 2019
I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.
She must be homeless.
July 08, 2019
My wife bought a new bra but it is really hard to unhook.
I don’t know why I tried it on in the first place.
July 08, 2019
I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow?
He said it was just a wok in the park.
July 07, 2019
I'm a Jersey girl myself. I grew up there as a latchkey kid. You guys know what that is? It's like a legal term for neglect.
July 07, 2019
I use to be indecisive...
But now I’m not so sure...
July 07, 2019
My son asked why I kept pacing in front of the clock...
I told him I was just passing the time.
July 07, 2019
To the person who stole my trainers and hi vis jacket...
You can run but you can’t hide.
July 07, 2019
I just the personalised number plate BAA BAA.
For my black jeep.
July 06, 2019
I saw my doctor today and told her of my dreams about Tom Jones.
I asked her: “Is this common?”
She replied: “It’s not unusual...”
July 06, 2019
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that’s what she said in her diary.
July 06, 2019
Last night I dreamed I wrote Lord of the Rings.
Guess I was Tolkien in my sleep.
July 05, 2019
"Dad, can you do my maths homework for me?"
“No son, it wouldn't be right."
“Well, at least you can try.”
July 05, 2019
If you boil a funny bone.
It becomes a laughing stock.
July 05, 2019
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
July 05, 2019
I kept having nightmares about Snow White and Peter Pan.
The doctor said I was just having Disney spells.
July 05, 2019
+1
I just had my photo taken with REM.
That's me in the corner.
July 05, 2019
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they’re not tenants.
July 05, 2019
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
July 05, 2019
They really should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 5 different ones today and they all said insufficient funds.
July 03, 2019
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
July 02, 2019
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry...
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
July 02, 2019
There are two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, “You man the guns, I’ll drive”.
July 02, 2019


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