The Best Funny Jokes

My grandpa’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
October 08, 2019
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But catscan.
October 08, 2019
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
October 08, 2019
If I open this bag really slowly no one will hear it.
CRUSHSHSHSH!!
October 08, 2019
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I’m almost their.
October 08, 2019
What happens when you’re behind lettuce in a race and then pass lettuce?
You’re aHEAD of lettuce.
October 08, 2019
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
October 07, 2019
Have you heard about Elton John’s new comedy tour?
It’s a little bit funny...
October 07, 2019
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I said: “Wait! This isn’t what you think it is!
October 07, 2019
Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: "Goodbye class".
October 07, 2019
How did the farmer find his daughter?
Tractor.
October 06, 2019
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
October 06, 2019
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.....
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
October 06, 2019
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
October 06, 2019
I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.
I have never had a beef with them.
October 06, 2019
"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"
No idea, they just ransomware.
October 06, 2019
Imagine if you could ride a horse 100 mph on a highway.
October 06, 2019
Imagine if sharks could run on the beach.
October 06, 2019
It's fun to study on Saturday. ;)
Not really.
October 06, 2019
What do you call a beat-up Batman?
A Bruised Wayne.
October 06, 2019
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.
October 05, 2019
What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation.
October 05, 2019
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It’s pointless.
October 05, 2019
My wife: “Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead?”
Me: “That’s...... a novel idea.”
October 05, 2019
A trucker called me on the cb today and asked what the date was.
I said: “10/4, good buddy.”
October 05, 2019
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
October 05, 2019
What did the yoga instructor say to his Mom when she tried to leave?
Nah ma stay...
October 05, 2019
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
October 05, 2019
What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?
It wooden start.
October 05, 2019
Looking back on your old Facebook pictures and thinking "What was I doing?".
October 04, 2019


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