The Best Funny Jokes

What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
April 28, 2019
Job interviewer: “At the start you’ll be earning £20,000; later that will increase to £40,000.
Me: “OK, I’ll come later then.”
April 28, 2019
People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.
April 28, 2019
Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan?
Because they heard that he swings both ways.
April 28, 2019
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her: “I think you mean fewer.”
April 27, 2019
What do you call a girl who breaks up with you on Instagram?
The DMX.
April 27, 2019
The Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle in your body,
In fact it’s a huge ass muscle.
April 27, 2019
My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn.
I really don’t need this shit!
April 27, 2019
Spiders are the only web developers who love finding bugs.
April 27, 2019
When I hear myself eating crunchy food, I wonder if other people can hear it too.
April 26, 2019
What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
April 26, 2019
What did the German sausage say to his friend?
You are the wurst.
April 26, 2019
Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”
April 26, 2019
Do you want to buy a broken barometer?
No pressure.
April 26, 2019
My least favourite colour is purple.
I dislike it more than red and blue combined.
April 25, 2019
The man who invented auto-correct has died.
His funfair is on sundial at moon.
April 25, 2019
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she can feel that way.
April 25, 2019
I don’t understand why no one likes the Night King on Game of Thrones.
I think he looks pretty chilled.
April 25, 2019
That strange moment when you wake up 1 minute before your alarm clock.
April 25, 2019
In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
April 25, 2019
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
April 25, 2019
My wife is threatening to Ieave me because of my obsession with wearing a new teeshirt every hour.
I said: “Wait! I can change.”
April 24, 2019
A kid decides to burn his house down.
Dad - putting his arm round his wife, both with tears welling in their eyes - “That’s arson.”
April 24, 2019
Stopped at this roadside stand that said lobster tails £2. So I paid my £2 and he said...
“Once upon a time there was this lobster...”
April 23, 2019
Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”
Man: “Yeah but she’s got a great personality.”
April 23, 2019
Why did the Mexican take his wife to the cliff top?
Tequila...
April 23, 2019
Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?
A: She moved.
April 23, 2019
I woke up this morning to find that someone had dumped a load of Lego bricks on my doorstep.
I don’t know what to make of it.
April 23, 2019
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
April 22, 2019
Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.