The Best Funny Jokes

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
July 26, 2019
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
July 26, 2019
What’s the difference between a guy with formal wear on a bicycle and a guy with casual wear on a unicycle?
Attire.
July 26, 2019
I made some fish tacos last night.
But they just ignored them and swam away.
July 26, 2019
What do you get when the sunrise bends over?
The crack of dawn.
July 26, 2019
That awkward moment when ketchup makes some farting noise.
July 26, 2019
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?
Pretty nuts.
July 26, 2019
What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?
May divorce be with you.
July 26, 2019
What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement?
No whey.
July 26, 2019
Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
July 26, 2019
What do you call a failed gathering of crows?
Attempted murder.
July 26, 2019
I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then they're just pants.
July 25, 2019
[teacher] Why are you late to class?
[student] You're lucky I came to school.
July 25, 2019
If you don't mind, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about racism 'cause it's a serious problem. I'm Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews 'cause I'm a moneylender.
July 24, 2019
What is grey and not very heavy?
Light grey.
July 23, 2019
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic...
He said “go ahead, knock yourself out!”
July 23, 2019
A guy rushed past me at the post office to deliver 25 different letters.
He skipped the Q.
July 23, 2019
I just found out Canada isn’t real.
Turns out it was all mapleleaf.
July 22, 2019
A guy tried to sell me a mirror, but I knew it was a scam.
I could see right through it.
July 22, 2019
That awkward moment when you realize people are laughing at you, not with you.
July 22, 2019
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him, he’s just a product of our times.
July 21, 2019
The only thing my friends like doing with me is eating.
I call them my taste buds.
July 21, 2019
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...
But when I got home all the signs were there.
July 21, 2019
What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics?
He finally came to his census.
July 21, 2019
Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.
Police are combing the area.
July 21, 2019
Why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
July 21, 2019
Dear sleep,
I'm sorry we broke up this morning.
I want you back.
July 21, 2019
Hardest thing to answer:
Describe yourself.
July 20, 2019
A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service, you just play games.
July 20, 2019
Offering someone food, and secretly hoping, they don't want it.