The Best Funny Jokes

I just saw my friend sweep a girl off her feet.
He’s a very aggressive janitor.
June 01, 2019
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
June 01, 2019
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
“Smiles”, because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
June 01, 2019
What’s the fastest liquid in the world?
Milk. It’s pasteurised before you see it.
June 01, 2019
I just saw two policeman chasing a man who’d stolen a board game of very little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.
June 01, 2019
Did you hear about the bread factory that burned down?
The business is now toast.
June 01, 2019
Helpful advice if you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns.
Go for the juggler.
June 01, 2019
That annoying person who texts you again, if you don't reply within 30 seconds.
June 01, 2019
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
June 01, 2019
The moment of joy, when you see your food coming in a restaurant.
May 31, 2019
I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography, but no one believes me...
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
May 30, 2019
My wife left me because of my obsession with astrology.
I guess I should have seen the signs.
May 30, 2019
If I was a superhero I’d be known as Typo Man.
I write all the wrongs.
May 30, 2019
I went to the doctor and he told me I had lettuce sticking out of my arse.
I said it was just the tip of the iceberg.
May 30, 2019
DO NOT spell the word “part” backwards.
It’s a “trap.”
May 30, 2019
Crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet.
But most have only four.
May 29, 2019
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.
May 29, 2019
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
May 28, 2019
As a hobby my dad stabs clocks with his knife.
Says it’s a fun way to kill time.
May 28, 2019
I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.
Now it’s clogged.
May 28, 2019
What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?
Silicon Valley.
May 28, 2019
My wife screamed: “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?”
What a weird way to start a conversation!
May 26, 2019
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
May 26, 2019
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
May 26, 2019
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet...oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
May 26, 2019
How does a vegan begin grace before a meal?
Lettuce pray.
May 25, 2019
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellboy says: “Do you have any luggage sir?”
The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
May 25, 2019
Let me ask you this rhetorically -- which means don't answer me when I ask it: would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?
May 25, 2019
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7.
As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
May 25, 2019
Why do they tell you to wear underpants in the Ukraine?
Because Chernobyl Fallout.