The Best Funny Jokes

My friend said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
May 16, 2019
This is how my week goes:
moooooooooooonday tuuuuuuuuesday
weeeeednesday
thuuuursday
friday
weekend
May 16, 2019
“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: “It’s May.”
“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
May 16, 2019
How do you get Dick from Richard?
You ask nicely.
May 16, 2019
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time he reboots my computer...
Oh wait...he does.
May 16, 2019
The awkward moment when everyone is talking during the class but the teacher only hears your voice.
May 14, 2019
I saw my ex wife across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
May 13, 2019
I had a pet newt once. I called him Tiny...
Because he was my newt.
May 13, 2019
My dog’s name is Minton.
Today he ate my shuttlecock
Bad Minton!
May 13, 2019
Why were the two crows arrested?
Murder.
May 13, 2019
That one friend who always gives relationship advice, but is still single.
May 13, 2019
What do you call an ancient Egyptian?
An old Giza.
May 13, 2019
My wife left me saying I was a too paranoid and insecure.
No wait! She was just making a cup of tea.
May 12, 2019
Now that I live there, I actually find that I'm around the people that I can't stand to be around the most, which are these elitist people. You know, hipster people that have an opinion on, like, everything that you should wear and all the cool music you should listen to. They'll critique any movie you like -- you know, as you're watching something, walk into the room and be like, 'Really? Really? You like 'Short Circuit'? The book is better.'
May 12, 2019
Hey, have you guys read that bald men make better lovers? Oh, well, 'cause I've been writing it everywhere.
May 12, 2019
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
May 12, 2019
I just found out I’m colour blind.
The diagnosis came out of the purple.
May 12, 2019
What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
May 11, 2019
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
May 11, 2019
What weighs less than blue?
Light blue.
May 11, 2019
I finally bought my son his first watch.
It’s about time.
May 11, 2019
Writing "etc" on a test because you don't remember any more examples.
May 11, 2019
Will glass coffins ever become popular ?
Remains to be seen.
May 10, 2019
I ordered a giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night.
The bill was huge!
May 10, 2019
A North Korean soldier walks into a bar.
The bartender asks: “How’s it going?”
The North Korean soldier replies: “Can’t complain.”
May 10, 2019
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!BREATHE!!!!!!!!!BREATHE!!!!!!!
May 09, 2019
+1
I yelled “cow!” to a women on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she piled her bike straight into the cow.
May 09, 2019
What happens when you eat aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
May 09, 2019
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.
May 09, 2019
When I don’t have money, I want to buy everything I see. When I do have money, I don’t know what to buy.