The Best Funny Jokes

People aren't afraid of saying "I love you".
They are afraid of hearing the response.
May 09, 2019
People say that circumcision doesn’t hurt, but I disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for over a year.
May 08, 2019
Recently I bumped into the guy who sold me my antique globe.
It’s a small world.
May 08, 2019
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
May 08, 2019
Why do the Swedish navy have bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
May 08, 2019
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
Both crews ended up marooned.
May 08, 2019
What’s the one thing to guarantee you get butterflies?
Caterpillars.
May 08, 2019
I used to hate when I was little and have to go to church. I hated church until the day I discovered wine -- or what we Catholics call 'the blood of Christ.' I was like, 'You give wine to little kids? Heck, yes, I'll love me some Jesus. Bring it on! What would Jesus do? Get me hammered!' I was up to two bottles of Christ a day.
May 08, 2019
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
May 08, 2019
Why do cows wear bells around their necks.
Because their horns don’t work.
May 08, 2019
True fact: before the crowbar was invented...
most crows drank at home.
May 07, 2019
My favourite word is drool.
It just rolls off the tongue.
May 06, 2019
+1
Someone dropped a power tool on my head the other day.
One minute I was fine, then BOSCH!
May 06, 2019
I’m reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
May 06, 2019
White people, I'm so tired of y'all getting shot at work. It's so unnecessary. If you ain't sure what to do, just watch the black people. Look, here's a rule of thumb: when black people run, you run. You don't even have to know why.
May 06, 2019
Asking Google questions you are too embarrassed to ask anyone else.
May 06, 2019
My dad told me to make little things count?
So now I’m teaching maths to dwarfs.
May 06, 2019
I just came home from work when my wife ran towards me and tore off all her clothes.
At that point, my wife flashed before my eyes.
May 05, 2019
Holmes: “I say old boy is that mud on your boots?”
Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock.”
May 05, 2019
Two friends chat and one boasts about his new car.
“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”
“Nice...where is it?”
“No idea!”
May 05, 2019
+1
I didn’t think I was fat...
Till the woman in McDonald’s said: “sorry about your weight.”
May 04, 2019
In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
How the stables have turned.
May 04, 2019
You go to Las Vegas now, they've got penny slot machines. Yeah, penny slot machines. First of all, if you are gambling and you've gotta get change for a nickel -- it's over.
May 03, 2019
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement?
In the end I ignore it all and click “I agree.”
May 02, 2019
My wife and I were up all night arguing about the laundry.
At 2AM, I folded.
May 02, 2019
What is green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
May 02, 2019
Spring is here but I can’t plant flowers yet...
I haven’t botany.
May 02, 2019
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
May 02, 2019
Me: I’m terrified of random letters!
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
May 02, 2019
Me: I’m terrified of random letter!
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.