The Best Funny Jokes

My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat...”
You’re much bigger than that.
September 01, 2019
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
No pressure.
September 01, 2019
What happens when a tree has a one night stand?
It leaves.
September 01, 2019
The number "eight" starts with an E.
But if you spelled it with an A it would be an aight.
August 31, 2019
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because it was served warm it would be justwater.
August 31, 2019
I was on one of those websites where you upload your picture to the website and it uses face matching technology to find your closest celebrity match. My friend, who's a guy, got Angelina Jolie. I like this technology; he's a guy, he got a girl, I'm going to get a funny celebrity, too. My celebrity look-alike was Anne Frank...Anybody else think Anne Frank maybe shouldn't be on the list of celebs you can get on the site? It should be a light, fun game that you play while you're screwing around on the Internet at work. Not something that immediately references the Holocaust.
August 31, 2019
That annoying moment when I have to get up and walk to the printer.
August 31, 2019
What happens when a lighter uses up all its fluid?
It is now the lightest.
August 30, 2019
How does a phone get drunk?
It takes screenshots.
August 30, 2019
I bought an Oasis GPS and now...
...all the roads I have to drive are winding.
August 30, 2019
What do you call bad breath that sneaks up on you?
Ninjavitis.
August 30, 2019
I saw a guy drop his scrabble letters in a road.
I asked him: “What’s the word on the street?”
August 30, 2019
I bought a U2 GPS and it’s garbage.
The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
August 30, 2019
How does a flamenco dancer catch lots of fish.
She castanets.
August 30, 2019
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job.
I was just not cutting it.
August 30, 2019
My parents said the world doesn't revolve around me...
But I’m their son.
August 30, 2019
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end it Taurus apart.
August 29, 2019
I told my wife she’d drawn her eyebrows too low.
She just scowled at me.
August 28, 2019
I've started investing in stocks...
Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
August 28, 2019
My girlfriend was furious when I told her I put ginger in our curry.
She loved that cat.
August 28, 2019
What are a chocolate bar's preferred gender pronouns?
Her/she.
August 28, 2019
Tesco's are putting vodka up a penny tomorrow to £20.
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99.
August 28, 2019
How do you know when you're drowning in milk?
When it’s pasteurise.
August 28, 2019
Why were the rappers late for their flight?
They forgot Tupac.
August 28, 2019
A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh."
It was Farmer Geddon.
August 28, 2019
Two cannibals are eating a Clown. One says to the other...
“Does this taste funny to you?”
August 27, 2019
What did the triceratops tow with his tow truck?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
August 27, 2019
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
August 27, 2019
What’s smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
August 27, 2019
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.