The Best Funny Jokes

I hear they’re going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains..
...maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
June 24, 2019
Putting on a fake smile, so you don't have to explain why you're not happy.
June 24, 2019
What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches while the other watches cells.
June 24, 2019
What did the painter do when it got cold?
He put on another coat.
June 23, 2019
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
June 23, 2019
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
June 23, 2019
Bro can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
June 23, 2019
My wife and I have an agreement; I don’t try to run her life...
...and I don’t try to run mine.
June 23, 2019
My son’s maths teacher called him average.
I just think he’s mean.
June 23, 2019
Is it possible to party alone?
June 23, 2019
My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only after me for my mussels.
June 21, 2019
I was diagnosed as colourblind yesterday.
It came completely out of the purple.
June 21, 2019
Where does an angry sailor go?
Anchor management.
June 21, 2019
My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.
June 21, 2019
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl.
I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
June 21, 2019
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour.
Actually it’s probably more of a knight mare.
June 19, 2019
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech...
...if you’re the best man at your mate’s second wedding.
June 19, 2019
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
June 19, 2019
Dear food,
Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
June 19, 2019
Dear radio stations,
You do realize there's more than just 10 songs in the world, right?
June 19, 2019
Be yourself!
Everyone else is already taken.
June 19, 2019
Siri kept calling me Shirley today. I was starting to get really angry and then I realised why...
I left my phone in Airplane mode.
June 18, 2019
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest till I find it.
June 18, 2019
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday.
I told her “no way can we do all that in 30 seconds.”
June 18, 2019
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
June 18, 2019
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal.
June 18, 2019
Sometimes best friends have conversations that are hard to understand by other people.
June 18, 2019
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist.
June 17, 2019
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
June 17, 2019
I recently bought a new toilet brush.
Long story short; I’m going back to paper.