The Best Funny Jokes

Here’s the thing about cliff hangers.....
March 31, 2019
Went to a zoo that had only one animal - and that was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
March 31, 2019
That moment of disappointment when you can't find the answer to your homework on Google.
March 31, 2019
My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.
March 31, 2019
I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me: “Do you need help?”
I said: “Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.”
March 31, 2019
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
March 31, 2019
My dad said I always loved alphabet soup when I was young.
But it was just him putting words in my mouth.
March 31, 2019
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance - so I pushed her over.
March 31, 2019
What do you call religious baked bread?
Prayertzel.
March 31, 2019
We got them an answering machine, which is like the stupidest gift to give your parents because no one ever calls my parents except for their kids. So my mother put the appropriate message on the machine: 'Look, we're not here right now. If you'd like to leave a message, leave one. If you don't want to leave one, don't. We're not going to be making decisions for you anymore. You have to make up your own g**damn minds. Thank you.'
March 30, 2019
I quit my job as a postman after the first letter they handed me to deliver.
I looked at it and thought: “This isn’t for me.”
March 30, 2019
3 big lies.
1. I love you.
2. I'm fine.
3. That was my last piece of gum.
March 30, 2019
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
March 29, 2019
My friend fell in a river in Egypt last week, but swears he didn’t.
He’s in De Nile.
March 29, 2019
My friend John eats light bulbs.
Says they’re a light snack.
March 29, 2019
Where do bees go to toilet?
BP stations.
March 29, 2019
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday.
He buried someone in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mistake.
March 29, 2019
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
They said it was bread in captivity.
March 29, 2019
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
March 29, 2019
Not all goodbyes are sad.
Example: "Goodbye class".
March 29, 2019
The rule of thumb is a man is supposed to spend at least two months' salary when he buys an engagement ring for a woman. Yeah, like I'm going to blow $600 on some ring.
March 29, 2019
To the man who invented 0.
Thanks for nothing.
March 28, 2019
Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.
The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.
Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."
The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging a**hole you are!"
March 28, 2019
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
March 28, 2019
Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?”
He gave me a kite.
March 28, 2019
One of my sisters is pregnant for the fifth time. Spent 10 minutes with her four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.
March 28, 2019
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort immediately.
March 28, 2019
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
March 28, 2019
My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.
March 27, 2019
I’ve been taking viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.