The Best Funny Jokes

I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said: “Homer’s a fat dude and Marge has blue hair.”
August 26, 2019
What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy.
An empty toilet roll.
August 26, 2019
+1
I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog.
He told me to get off the couch.
August 26, 2019
Where do beekeepers stay on vacation?
Air bee and bee.
August 26, 2019
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
August 25, 2019
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
August 25, 2019
As soon as space travel is possible I’m moving from the Milky Way to the SoyMilky Way galaxy.
I’m Galactose intolerant.
August 25, 2019
I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered: “ How hell did you get this number?!”
August 25, 2019
You know what the best part about Switzerland is?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
August 24, 2019
I'm colour blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple...
...but it was just a pigment of my imagination.
August 24, 2019
What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Wasabi!
August 24, 2019
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on that after the break...
August 24, 2019
What do you call a genetically engineered cow?
A mootant.
August 24, 2019
Whoever stole my anti depressants.
I hope you’re happy now.
August 23, 2019
Marriage is like a card game.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond, but at the end you want a club and a spade.
August 23, 2019
I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first week was the hardest.
August 23, 2019
Yesterday I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.
I’ve officially hit rock bottom.
August 22, 2019
On the instructions of my ready meal it says "Rest for 5 minutes once cooked".
But I’m not at all tired.
August 22, 2019
What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent?
Murder within tent.
August 22, 2019
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, 'Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?'
August 22, 2019
I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill...
They were Goodyears.
August 21, 2019
What do you call an Irishman who's so hyperactive that he's literally bouncing off the walls?
Rick O’Shea.
August 21, 2019
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
August 21, 2019
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse.
August 21, 2019
Why did 27 eat alone?
Because 28.
August 21, 2019
I started my own cooking show in Egypt.
It’s called “Wok like an Egyptian”
August 21, 2019
I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay ?
They arrested me
August 21, 2019
Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left its wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich?
It was a Careless Swiss Pear.
August 21, 2019
I just found out I’m colour blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
August 20, 2019
Did you see Bruce Willis overdosed on Viagra?
He always said he’d Die Hard.