The Best Funny Jokes

I really don't care about the party. I only came for free food.
March 27, 2019
I like to buy a four-pack of toilet paper every time I shop, just so I can ask the clerk this judgment question: 'Would you say I got the right amount of toilet paper for the amount of groceries I bought?'
March 27, 2019
I have heard some people don't feel comfortable while reading old flirty texts they sent to people they used to love in the past.
March 27, 2019
If people are trying to bring you down, it usually means you are above them.
March 27, 2019
Looking back on your old Instagram pictures and thinking "What was I doing?".
March 27, 2019
The following sign was posted at a fast-food restaurant owned by two blondes:
Parking for drive-through customers only!
March 27, 2019
I have a little nephew. He's two-and-a-half, and he just learned to say those three words, 'I love you.' And he's saying it to everybody now. My sister was like, 'He doesn't understand what it means. He's saying it because he thinks he can get something.' I said, 'Oh, I think he understands exactly what it means.'
March 26, 2019
Who we fooling? The pope is old, y'all. It's time to start thinking about putting the pope in an old pope's home.
March 26, 2019
My wife just put on her new dress and then told me to zip it.
I have no idea what I’ve done wrong. I didn’t say anything!
March 26, 2019
I’ve got a friend who reminds of a software update.
Every time I see him I groan: “Not now.”
March 26, 2019
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
March 26, 2019
I was in a good mood till I started petting a duckling in the park.
Then I started feeling a little down.
March 26, 2019
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend.
March 26, 2019
My friends'll ask me if I get a lot of girls because of comedy. That insinuates I get so many girls, I've gotta categorize them. Like, I got these girls because of comedy, I got these girls because I'm rich, and I got these girls because I look like Harry Potter.
March 25, 2019
I met a Buddhist monk who refused anaesthetic during his root canal surgery.
His aim?
Transcend dental medication.
March 25, 2019
When do people start using their trampolines more?
Spring time.
March 25, 2019
Beautiful things are not necessarily good, but good things are always beautiful.
March 25, 2019
Q: What did one shark say to the other?
A: "Airline food sure is bad these days."
March 25, 2019
Growing up was rough. Most of the responsibility of taking care of my ever-growing family was put on me. I was in over my head -- Joyce would not leave my side; Carl had eye problems; Betsy lost a leg. Finally, I was like, 'I cannot raise any more stuffed animals. I have no time to myself. It is my body. It is my choice.' Eventually, they all left home to join the Salvation Army.
March 24, 2019
A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.
March 24, 2019
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: “Thank you”.
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
March 24, 2019
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
March 24, 2019
+1
My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they'll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, 'He loved to laugh.' Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn't tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- you're laughing! That's like saying, 'He hungered for food.'
March 24, 2019
I am on a seafood diet.
Every time I see food, I eat it.
March 24, 2019
It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter...
It was raining cats and dogs!
March 23, 2019
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
They said he'll be given a tough sentence.
March 23, 2019
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A Meanderthal.
March 23, 2019
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
March 23, 2019
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light blue.
March 23, 2019
+1
Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.