The Best Funny Jokes

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
June 09, 2019
When I was young I had a disease that meant I had to eat dirt twice a day.
Thank God my brother was there to tell me what to do.
June 09, 2019
Which animal has the most memory?
The Ram.
June 08, 2019
My wife is mad at me - says I have no sense of direction.
So I packed all my bags and right.
June 08, 2019
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves.
June 08, 2019
I'm adopted. And I'm glad that my parents were honest enough with me to tell me that I'm adopted, but why every day?
June 08, 2019
+1
Sad news: my obese parrot died today...
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
June 07, 2019
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.
He’s a pickup artist.
June 07, 2019
I went to the bee keeper to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.
It was a freebie.
June 07, 2019
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
June 07, 2019
That annoying moment when you can't find the long side of your blanket.
June 07, 2019
Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine.
It was about a weak back...
June 07, 2019
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she plans to look at the highlights later.
June 06, 2019
Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job.
Now he’s just a handyman.
June 06, 2019
What do you call the smartest mountain?
Cleverest!
June 06, 2019
People say I look better with glasses.
But I just can’t see it.
June 06, 2019
My neighbour rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!?

Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
June 06, 2019
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen!”
June 06, 2019
I’m going to have my spine removed.
All it does is hold me back.
June 06, 2019
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
June 06, 2019
My neighbour with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.
I just wish his wife would do the same.
June 04, 2019
My wife says I’m addicted to brake fluid.
Joke’s on her. I can stop whenever I like.
June 04, 2019
What do old people win for ageing?
Atrophy.
June 04, 2019
I’ve just written a song about tortilla.
Well it’s more of a rap actually.
June 04, 2019
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The F.
June 04, 2019
Sometimes the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
June 04, 2019
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
June 04, 2019
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can also write other words too.
June 04, 2019
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ''Well, why is that, sir?'' The doctor answered, "The men's brains cost more, for they have never been used."
June 03, 2019
Going to sleep at 5 in the morning is