The Best Funny Jokes

The robbers took everything from my house, but I’m most upset they took my mirror.
I can’t see myself without it.
August 20, 2019
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she found me very attractive.
I didn’t know if it was her or the beer talking.
August 20, 2019
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.
But that’s Heinz sight for you.
August 20, 2019
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes...
The doctor says it’s terminal.
August 20, 2019
If you cut off your left arm...
Then your right arm will be left.
August 19, 2019
“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”
“I’ve no idea - they just ransomware.”
August 19, 2019
That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.
August 19, 2019
Waiter: How would you like your steak?
Dad: “Cooked?”
Waiter: “Well done?”
Dad: “Thanks, I’m something of a chef myself.”
August 18, 2019
A sign you are a grown up is when you realize, school is actually more fun than work.
August 18, 2019
That awkward moment when there is no toilet paper.
August 18, 2019
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
August 17, 2019
I farted in a packed elevator today!
I knew it was wrong on so many levels.
August 17, 2019
I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk.
Today I ended up skipping dinner.
August 17, 2019
Why are the North Koreans the best at geometry?
Because they’ve got a Supreme Ruler.
August 16, 2019
Why are mountains funny?
Because they’re hill areas.
August 16, 2019
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention?
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.
That did the trick.
August 16, 2019
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
August 16, 2019
What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?
Unbelievable.
August 16, 2019
toilet = One minute

toilet + phone = Half an hour
toilet + phone + wifi =2 hours
toilet + phone + wifi + a charger = all day long
August 16, 2019
My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.
So I bought him a toy Yoda.
August 15, 2019
Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.
August 15, 2019
Did you know there’s no canaries on the Canary Islands?
Same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either.
August 14, 2019
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.
Strange name but she tortoise well.
August 14, 2019
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese refused to recognise Ty won.
August 14, 2019
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again...
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
August 14, 2019
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a Fanta Sea.
August 13, 2019
I do a magic show where I make marijuana and cocaine disappear.
It’s all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.
August 13, 2019
Why did the partially blind man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
August 13, 2019
Awkward moment when someone born in 1999 says: "I miss 90s"
August 13, 2019
IF THIS IS YELLING and this is talking, I woNDeR wHat THis sOUnDs LikE?