The Best Funny Jokes

Remember to poop before midnight tonight.
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
December 31, 2019
I don't need a stable relationship, I need a stable internet connection.
December 31, 2019
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic.
December 31, 2019
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens.
December 31, 2019
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
December 31, 2019
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
December 31, 2019
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
December 31, 2019
I need a 6 month holiday. Twice a year.
December 30, 2019
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
December 29, 2019
All my life I've wanted to learn how to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.
December 29, 2019
Why isn’t a nose 12 inches long?
Because otherwise it would be a foot.
December 29, 2019
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
December 29, 2019
Her: At least invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women.
Her: But I’m your wife.
Him: I make no exceptions.
December 29, 2019
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you’ll start off the New Year on the right foot.
December 29, 2019
Why did the sad ghost use an elevator?
To lift his spirits.
December 29, 2019
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut.
They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
December 29, 2019
If you're here for the yodeling lesson...
Please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
December 29, 2019
I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it…
To make hens meet.
December 28, 2019
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
December 28, 2019
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
December 28, 2019
What’s the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie while the other prowls on the hairy.
December 28, 2019
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
December 27, 2019
I bought a new sat nav and uploaded the fat boy slim edition.
But it just goes "turn right here, right now, right here, right now.
December 27, 2019
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop.
December 27, 2019
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted:
“This is a stick up!”
December 27, 2019
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
James Bond: No thank you. Dye another day.
December 27, 2019
My sword doesn’t weigh much.
It’s my light saber.
December 27, 2019
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
No sun.
December 27, 2019
That awkward moment, when you walk up to the group of friends, and they all stop talking.
December 27, 2019
My roommate says our house is haunted.
But I’ve lived here for 300 years and not noticed anything unusual.
December 26, 2019


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