The Best Funny Jokes

I made a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
July 02, 2019
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
July 02, 2019
I sleep less, I'm tired.
I sleep more, I'm tired.
July 02, 2019
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it’s a soap opera.
July 01, 2019
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
July 01, 2019
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
July 01, 2019
+1
What happened when gravity was first turned on?
Shit went down.
July 01, 2019
My pony caught a cold.
He’s a little hoarse.
July 01, 2019
English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.
July 01, 2019
Why did the astronaut refuse to fly home to visit his girlfriend?
He needed more space.
July 01, 2019
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
July 01, 2019
Teens are always full of energy until someone says "clean up".
July 01, 2019
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a...big step.”
July 01, 2019
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.
The place was giving me the crepes.
June 30, 2019
Why was 79 sad?
Because 81.
June 30, 2019
+1
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer...
...than the men who mention it.
June 30, 2019
What is the most ironic name for a vegan?
Hunter.
June 29, 2019
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight.
Sigh....
June 29, 2019
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
They always take things literally.
June 29, 2019
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
June 29, 2019
The best things in life are usually found when you are not looking for them.
June 29, 2019
Asking your pet a question like they will respond.
June 28, 2019
Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm alone and it's kinda sad.
Me too.
June 28, 2019
That awkward moment when your crush asks you "who do you like?".
June 28, 2019
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal.
June 27, 2019
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
June 27, 2019
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex.
June 27, 2019
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it’s white and settles on their land.
June 27, 2019
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were warm it would be justwater.
June 27, 2019
Getting my toy drone stuck up in a tree wasn’t the worse thing that happened to me today.
But it’s up there.
June 27, 2019


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