The Best Funny Jokes

I told my dad I want to see Spider Man: Far From Home.
He said: “But surely it’s the same movie if you watch it here.”
April 30, 2019
How do you make an egg roll?
Push it down hill.
April 30, 2019
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married.
I asked him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
April 30, 2019
Is Google a man or a woman?
Woman because she doesn’t let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
April 30, 2019
Lazy rule:
If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.
April 29, 2019
I work a lot in Wisconsin because, let's face it, I have a great agent.
April 29, 2019
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems.
But it was worth a shot.
April 29, 2019
Why is 16 always full?
Because it 8 and 8.
April 29, 2019
Lazy rule:
Can't reach it?
Don't need it.
April 29, 2019
My wife asked me: “What starts with F and ends in K.
I said: “No it doesn’t.”
April 29, 2019
My son just accused me of lying.
I wouldn’t mind but I don’t even have any children.
April 29, 2019
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
But other times I let her sleep in.
April 29, 2019
What do you say when you tickle a tiny millionaire?
Gucci Gucci Gucci.
April 28, 2019
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
April 28, 2019
Job interviewer: “At the start you’ll be earning £20,000; later that will increase to £40,000.
Me: “OK, I’ll come later then.”
April 28, 2019
People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.
April 28, 2019
Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan?
Because they heard that he swings both ways.
April 28, 2019
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her: “I think you mean fewer.”
April 27, 2019
What do you call a girl who breaks up with you on Instagram?
The DMX.
April 27, 2019
The Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle in your body,
In fact it’s a huge ass muscle.
April 27, 2019
My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn.
I really don’t need this shit!
April 27, 2019
Spiders are the only web developers who love finding bugs.
April 27, 2019
When I hear myself eating crunchy food, I wonder if other people can hear it too.
April 26, 2019
What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
April 26, 2019
What did the German sausage say to his friend?
You are the wurst.
April 26, 2019
Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”
April 26, 2019
Do you want to buy a broken barometer?
No pressure.
April 26, 2019
My least favourite colour is purple.
I dislike it more than red and blue combined.
April 25, 2019
The man who invented auto-correct has died.
His funfair is on sundial at moon.
April 25, 2019
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she can feel that way.
April 25, 2019


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