The Best Funny Jokes

A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The psychiatrist said: “Well I can clearly see your nuts.”
February 07, 2020
My neighbour shingled my roof for free.
He said it was on the house.
February 07, 2020
When you are right, no one remembers. When you are wrong, no one forgets.
February 07, 2020
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
February 07, 2020
It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road -- when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.
February 07, 2020
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
February 06, 2020
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs.
I called it the second hand second hand store.
February 06, 2020
That 10 minute party, when the teacher leaves the room.
February 06, 2020
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
February 06, 2020
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said: “Thanks babe. You MRS Right.”
February 05, 2020
My daily routine: Wake up, be amazing, go back to sleep.
February 04, 2020
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
February 04, 2020
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like: “What the Hellman!”
February 04, 2020
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."
I sucked at tennis.
February 04, 2020
Why don't vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
February 04, 2020
[teacher] 24 + x + 30 = 90.
Find x.
[student] It's between 24 and 30.
February 03, 2020
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
February 02, 2020
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
February 02, 2020
I think my phone is broken...
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
February 02, 2020
If you’re attacked by a mob of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
February 02, 2020
All my friends think I’m weird for constantly eating ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But hey, that Hawaii roll.
February 02, 2020
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
February 02, 2020
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested....
I heard they’re going to give him a really tough sentence.
February 02, 2020
Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...
Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for hardened criminals.
February 02, 2020
Smart phone, dumb battery.
February 02, 2020
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede.
February 01, 2020
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait for his face to light up when he opens it.
February 01, 2020
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I’ve been taking it for granite for years.
February 01, 2020
The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.
Unfortunately Shatner Panties wasn’t the greatest brand name.
February 01, 2020
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
February 01, 2020


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