The Best Funny Jokes

What do you call a girl who sets fire to bank loans?
Bernadette.
March 13, 2020
If I ever have a car alarm, if I ever have a car, it's just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go, 'Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!' Because then, people are gonna come running -- maybe not the kind of people who can help a whole lot, but people, nonetheless.
March 12, 2020
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job.
March 11, 2020
I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.
When they ask what I do everyday, I say:
“Y’know. Stuff.”
March 11, 2020
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat.
I’ve had a stiff neck all day.
March 11, 2020
Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles?
A: A Protractor
March 10, 2020
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.
“No. I always give 110%”.
March 10, 2020
Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths
Blacksmith: “Are you any good at shoeing horses?"
I said: “No but I once told a Donkey to fuck off"
March 10, 2020
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
March 10, 2020
A guy walks into his doctors office saying, “Help me, doctor, I’m shrinking.” “Hold on,” says the doctor,
“Be a little patient.”
March 09, 2020
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
March 09, 2020
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
March 09, 2020
Why can't a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
March 08, 2020
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
March 08, 2020
I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week...
...and it said 2-4 years on the box.
March 08, 2020
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
March 08, 2020
I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
March 08, 2020
I hate autocorrect.
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo!
March 08, 2020
I'm just glad the little guy's getting work. There hasn't been a Mexican actor getting that much TV time since Erik Estrada landed on 'CHiPs.'
March 08, 2020
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo.
March 07, 2020
Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything.
March 07, 2020
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The police arrested him for attempted murder.
March 06, 2020
My wife tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
March 06, 2020
What do metals call their friends?
Their chromies.
March 06, 2020
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown.
March 06, 2020
I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds. It's real cheap, it's cool -- it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.
March 06, 2020
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
March 05, 2020
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
How low can you go?
March 04, 2020
Why do elephants drink?
To forget.
March 04, 2020
An invisible man marries an invisible woman...
The kids aren’t much to look at.
March 04, 2020


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