The Best Funny Jokes

Keep the dream alive!
Hit the snooze button!
July 19, 2019
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
July 18, 2019
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital.
Her husband named the kid Carson.
July 18, 2019
To the person who stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts!
July 18, 2019
Why are you awake so early?
Who said I went to sleep!?
July 18, 2019
Dear everyone.
Upset, bored, angry or hungry.
I'm here for you.
Sincerely, fridge.
July 18, 2019
Wife: I'm pregnant.
Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.
July 17, 2019
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day.
I heard they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
July 17, 2019
Money does not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a sport car than on a bicycle.
July 16, 2019
+1
That embarrassing moment when you realize, that person wasn't waving at you.
July 16, 2019
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
July 15, 2019
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...
It said Parking Fine.
July 15, 2019
A policeman stops a car...
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
July 15, 2019
I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, 'Mr. White, it's past 7:00.' 'No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't you just put me on that one? I hear they're running two a day through New York City.'
July 15, 2019
I don't need a stable relationship.
I need a stable internet connection.
July 15, 2019
+1
I need a 6 month holiday.
Twice a year.
July 14, 2019
There's always that one song, that can pick you up, when you are down.
July 14, 2019
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture...
I told her I’m just looking for matches.
July 14, 2019
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
July 14, 2019
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some very good footage.
July 14, 2019
What's it like living in North Korea?
Cant complain.
July 14, 2019
Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
July 13, 2019
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
July 13, 2019
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie.
July 13, 2019
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?"
“Swarm.”
July 12, 2019
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies.
July 12, 2019
What did the pessimist say to the chef?
Everything you make turns to shit.
July 12, 2019
+1
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
July 12, 2019
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
July 12, 2019
Good bakers use real butter so that there is no margarine for error.