The Best Funny Jokes

What is green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
May 02, 2019
Spring is here but I can’t plant flowers yet...
I haven’t botany.
May 02, 2019
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
May 02, 2019
Me: I’m terrified of random letters!
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
May 02, 2019
Me: I’m terrified of random letter!
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
May 02, 2019
That strange moment when fake friends share a fake smile.
May 02, 2019
I just lost all my ice cubes in the kitchen.
But I’m not worried - it’s all just water under the fridge.
May 02, 2019
My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water.
I know he means well.
May 02, 2019
My wife always buys cheap toilet paper....
It’s a pain in the ass.
May 02, 2019
Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have formed a new band.
It’s called Dire Rea.
May 02, 2019
Why do all beaches smell of urine?
Because the sea wee’d.
May 01, 2019
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
May 01, 2019
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
May 01, 2019
"Lets stay up all night!"
2 hours later
"Screw this! I'm tired."
May 01, 2019
People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.
May 01, 2019
I do a lot of jokes about black people because my third best friend is black, OK? And I've had people say, 'Why does he have to be third?' And I'm like, 'Well, Mr. Sharpton, he's not that good of a friend. If he was a better friend, I'd move his black ass up. I'm not holding him down; I'm not holding a brother down -- I just don't have affirmative action friendships.'
May 01, 2019
What do you call a ghost’s boobies?
Paranormal entitties.
April 30, 2019
I told my dad I want to see Spider Man: Far From Home.
He said: “But surely it’s the same movie if you watch it here.”
April 30, 2019
How do you make an egg roll?
Push it down hill.
April 30, 2019
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married.
I asked him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
April 30, 2019
Is Google a man or a woman?
Woman because she doesn’t let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
April 30, 2019
Lazy rule:
If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.
April 29, 2019
I work a lot in Wisconsin because, let's face it, I have a great agent.
April 29, 2019
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems.
But it was worth a shot.
April 29, 2019
Why is 16 always full?
Because it 8 and 8.
April 29, 2019
Lazy rule:
Can't reach it?
Don't need it.
April 29, 2019
My wife asked me: “What starts with F and ends in K.
I said: “No it doesn’t.”
April 29, 2019
My son just accused me of lying.
I wouldn’t mind but I don’t even have any children.
April 29, 2019
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
But other times I let her sleep in.
April 29, 2019
What do you say when you tickle a tiny millionaire?
Gucci Gucci Gucci.