The Best Funny Jokes

Never marry a tennis player...
Love means nothing to them!
August 11, 2019
I'm deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
August 11, 2019
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open the oven because the door faces the wall!
August 11, 2019
My son asked me what our IP address was.
I pointed to the toilet.
August 11, 2019
A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.
Pun in, ten dead.
August 11, 2019
How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.
August 11, 2019
My wife is mad I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
August 11, 2019
Why don’t pirates travel on mountain roads?
‘Scurvy.
August 11, 2019
I went to rehab for abusing soap.
I just wanted to get clean.
August 11, 2019
What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.
August 11, 2019
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
August 11, 2019
How to fall asleep faster?
Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.
August 10, 2019
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
August 09, 2019
Nurse: "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.”
Doctor: “Well tell him I can’t see him right now.”
August 09, 2019
My wife and my family are leaving me because of my obsession with watching horse racing on TV.
“And they’re off!”
August 09, 2019
I'm an awesome singer when no one is listening.
August 09, 2019
“Hey Watson, is that mud on your boots?”
“No, shit Sherlock.”
August 08, 2019
What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?
A fizzycist.
August 08, 2019
What kind of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
August 08, 2019
Why do I sometimes post long jokes here??
Because this isn’t where they be long.
August 07, 2019
The awkward moment when you are nice and the cat is hissing.
August 07, 2019
Did you know there’s no official training for a garbage collector?
They just pick it up as they go.
August 07, 2019
I thought I saw a flying German sausage, but it turned out to be a seabird.
I took a tern for the wurst.
August 05, 2019
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
August 05, 2019
You know what actually makes me smile?
My facial muscles.
August 05, 2019
I used to work in an office, and when I worked in an office, I celebrated all the holidays -- Cesar Chavez Day, Labor Day -- just to get a day off of work. It could be KKK Day -- 'Do I get a day off of work?'
August 05, 2019
My house was clean yesterday.
Sorry you missed it.
August 05, 2019
I'm thinking, when I finally go, when my time is up, I'd like to be cremated. Most people when they're cremated, they want their ashes to be released over the ocean or maybe the grave of a loved one. I'd like to be sprinkled over the food of someone I don't like. I think it'd be the ultimate way to say, 'Eat me.'
August 05, 2019
What does a house wear?
Address.
August 04, 2019
I had a game of quiet tennis today.
It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.