The Best Funny Jokes

I'm not immature.
I just know how to have fun.
June 26, 2019
Opening a pizza box, and searching for the biggest slice.
June 26, 2019
I recently took a pole...
...and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
June 25, 2019
A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.
Ta Pauline.
June 25, 2019
9 months isn’t really that long.
It just feels like a maternity.
June 25, 2019
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
Halloumi.
June 25, 2019
I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'
June 25, 2019
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes, and you slowly put another dish in the sink.
June 25, 2019
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
June 25, 2019
Anyone looking for a gardener?
I can recommend Little Richard.
He came round to ours and...lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.
June 25, 2019
The cafe down the road is changing it's name to The Dire Straits Cafe.
They're asking money for muffins but the chips are free.
June 25, 2019
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France.
The place was giving me the crepes.
June 24, 2019
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
June 24, 2019
I hear they’re going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains..
...maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
June 24, 2019
Putting on a fake smile, so you don't have to explain why you're not happy.
June 24, 2019
What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches while the other watches cells.
June 24, 2019
What did the painter do when it got cold?
He put on another coat.
June 23, 2019
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
June 23, 2019
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
June 23, 2019
Bro can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
June 23, 2019
My wife and I have an agreement; I don’t try to run her life...
...and I don’t try to run mine.
June 23, 2019
My son’s maths teacher called him average.
I just think he’s mean.
June 23, 2019
Is it possible to party alone?
June 23, 2019
My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only after me for my mussels.
June 21, 2019
I was diagnosed as colourblind yesterday.
It came completely out of the purple.
June 21, 2019
Where does an angry sailor go?
Anchor management.
June 21, 2019
My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.
June 21, 2019
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl.
I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
June 21, 2019
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour.
Actually it’s probably more of a knight mare.
June 19, 2019
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech...
...if you’re the best man at your mate’s second wedding.
June 19, 2019


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