The Best Funny Jokes

I got this new drug -- it's called the Internet. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. It's a drug, 'cause one minute, you're sitting down, checking your e-mail, and four hours later, your pants are down to your ankles, and you feel awkward and lonely. And you know you should get up and walk away, but you can't.
September 30, 2019
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
September 30, 2019
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then is just CLIX.
September 29, 2019
How many ants does it take to fill an entire apartment?
Tenants.
September 29, 2019
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Litres, Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
September 29, 2019
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It’s all over town!
September 29, 2019
I just saw my maths teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.
I think he must be plotting something.
September 29, 2019
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
September 29, 2019
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless...
I was like 0mg.
September 29, 2019
I broke my finger last week...
On the other hand I’m OK.
September 29, 2019
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...
Then Who is.
September 28, 2019
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
September 28, 2019
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven’t heard from him since.
September 28, 2019
What I if told you...
You read the title wrong.
September 28, 2019
Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.
It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
September 28, 2019
Every time I go to a party I come hungry.
September 28, 2019
Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says: "oh no not U2 again".
September 28, 2019
I just sat next to a baby on a 12 hour flight. I had no idea that someone could cry for 12 hours straight.
Even the baby seemed impressed.
September 27, 2019
Raw meat used to make me sick.
But now I’m cured.
September 27, 2019
I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
“What did he say?”
“You’re fired!”
September 27, 2019
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: “Turn left here.”
September 27, 2019
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.
But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
September 27, 2019
Checking your fridge every 5 minutes to see if any food magically appeared.
September 27, 2019
When you get home late, and you don't want to make any noise, everything seems really loud.
September 27, 2019
I keep imagining I’m holding an invisible pack of cards.
No one knows what I’m dealing with.
September 26, 2019
I ate my exam paper.
Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
September 26, 2019
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
September 26, 2019
I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight.
Same shit, different day.
September 26, 2019
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs Right.
September 26, 2019
I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.
It was the hardest day of my life.
September 26, 2019


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