The Best Funny Jokes

Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there!
December 26, 2019
Here's how rich I am: I'll, like, go into a Banana Republic and buy shirts two at a time. That's right, I guess you should applaud for that. Here's the thing, people -- you're probably saying to me, 'But Paul, those shirts cost a lot of money.' Yes. Yes, they do. They cost a lot of money that I have. Maybe I'll be walking out, and I'll see they have windbreakers by the door, a rack of windbreakers. And I'll say, 'You know what -- throw a windbreaker in the bag.' And the saleswoman may say, 'But sir, don't you want to try it on?' Try it on, try it on, try it on -- why? Why? If it doesn't fit, I'll throw it away.
December 25, 2019
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal?
Five guys.
December 25, 2019
I asked my wife for an audio book this Christmas, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.
That speaks volumes.
December 25, 2019
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
December 25, 2019
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
December 25, 2019
I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.
It’s a gift.
December 25, 2019
What is Santa’s favourite kind of pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.
December 25, 2019
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 8lb 2oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.
December 25, 2019
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
December 25, 2019
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
December 24, 2019
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what card she has in her hand.
December 24, 2019
Elevators terrify me.
I’m taking steps to avoid them.
December 24, 2019
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s....sound advice.
December 24, 2019
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was manslaughter.
December 24, 2019
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
December 24, 2019
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhoea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
December 24, 2019
Did you here about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack.
December 22, 2019
It's the same thing every week -- every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?
December 22, 2019
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat.
December 21, 2019
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
December 21, 2019
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end and out of the udder.
December 21, 2019
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said you don’t have much of a case.
December 21, 2019
I like my coffee how I like my slaves...
Free.
December 21, 2019
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing.
It’s on the house.
December 21, 2019
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said: “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”
December 21, 2019
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask?
Egg plant: Yeah, why do you ask?
December 21, 2019
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off my unicorn.
December 19, 2019
There's a lot of cities in France, like Paris, Marseilles, or Lyon.
But there’s only one city that’s Nice.
December 19, 2019
What kind of shoes do bakers wear?
Loafers.
December 19, 2019


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