The Best Funny Jokes

Tesco's are putting vodka up a penny tomorrow to £20.
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99.
August 28, 2019
How do you know when you're drowning in milk?
When it’s pasteurise.
August 28, 2019
Why were the rappers late for their flight?
They forgot Tupac.
August 28, 2019
A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh."
It was Farmer Geddon.
August 28, 2019
Two cannibals are eating a Clown. One says to the other...
“Does this taste funny to you?”
August 27, 2019
What did the triceratops tow with his tow truck?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
August 27, 2019
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
August 27, 2019
What’s smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
August 27, 2019
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.
August 27, 2019
I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said: “Homer’s a fat dude and Marge has blue hair.”
August 26, 2019
What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy.
An empty toilet roll.
August 26, 2019
+1
I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog.
He told me to get off the couch.
August 26, 2019
Where do beekeepers stay on vacation?
Air bee and bee.
August 26, 2019
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
August 25, 2019
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
August 25, 2019
As soon as space travel is possible I’m moving from the Milky Way to the SoyMilky Way galaxy.
I’m Galactose intolerant.
August 25, 2019
I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered: “ How hell did you get this number?!”
August 25, 2019
You know what the best part about Switzerland is?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
August 24, 2019
I'm colour blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple...
...but it was just a pigment of my imagination.
August 24, 2019
What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Wasabi!
August 24, 2019
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on that after the break...
August 24, 2019
What do you call a genetically engineered cow?
A mootant.
August 24, 2019
Whoever stole my anti depressants.
I hope you’re happy now.
August 23, 2019
Marriage is like a card game.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond, but at the end you want a club and a spade.
August 23, 2019
I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first week was the hardest.
August 23, 2019
Yesterday I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.
I’ve officially hit rock bottom.
August 22, 2019
On the instructions of my ready meal it says "Rest for 5 minutes once cooked".
But I’m not at all tired.
August 22, 2019
What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent?
Murder within tent.
August 22, 2019
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, 'Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?'
August 22, 2019
I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill...
They were Goodyears.
August 21, 2019


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