The Best Funny Jokes

Dentist: “This is going to hurt a little".
Patient: “Ok”.
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
March 04, 2020
You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?
Run for President.
March 04, 2020
I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
March 03, 2020
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that’s what she said in her diary.
March 03, 2020
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G and it’s gone.
March 03, 2020
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I'm moving out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
March 03, 2020
Next Summer I'm applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s something I can see myself doing.
March 03, 2020
What's cooler than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
March 03, 2020
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter.
Which sucks because he had a great fall.
March 02, 2020
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
March 02, 2020
Did you hear about the girl who hid drugs in her bra ?
People said it led to a bigger bust.
March 02, 2020
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyway, today I lost my job at the aquarium.
March 01, 2020
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
March 01, 2020
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It’s called: “Leave me the fuh cologne.”
February 29, 2020
Job interviewer: “At the start you’ll be earning £20,000; later that will increase to £40,000.
Me: “OK, I’ll come back later.”
February 29, 2020
You can get any kind of surgery imaginable in this town, too -- and they do it -- holy sh*t: Botox and collagen and vaginal rejuvenation. Oh my God, what -- vaginal rejuvenation? How the hell do I know when that looks old? Who do you trust with that question? Come on -- well, it's not like I have pictures from high school.
February 29, 2020
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
February 29, 2020
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
February 29, 2020
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
February 29, 2020
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
February 29, 2020
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
February 28, 2020
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said it was “bread in captivity.”
February 27, 2020
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
February 27, 2020
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not happy.
February 26, 2020
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She gave me a hug.
February 26, 2020
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
February 26, 2020
Dear teacher: If the bell doesn't dismiss me, then the bell doesn't decide, when I should be in class.
February 26, 2020
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aid in for repair.
I’ve heard nothing since.
February 26, 2020
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it....my Trail Mix.
February 25, 2020
Dear teacher, I talk to everyone. Moving my seat won't help.
February 25, 2020


MORE