The Best Funny Jokes

My wife and I have an agreement; I don’t try to run her life...
...and I don’t try to run mine.
June 23, 2019
My son’s maths teacher called him average.
I just think he’s mean.
June 23, 2019
Is it possible to party alone?
June 23, 2019
My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only after me for my mussels.
June 21, 2019
I was diagnosed as colourblind yesterday.
It came completely out of the purple.
June 21, 2019
Where does an angry sailor go?
Anchor management.
June 21, 2019
My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.
June 21, 2019
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl.
I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
June 21, 2019
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour.
Actually it’s probably more of a knight mare.
June 19, 2019
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech...
...if you’re the best man at your mate’s second wedding.
June 19, 2019
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
June 19, 2019
Dear food,
Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
June 19, 2019
Dear radio stations,
You do realize there's more than just 10 songs in the world, right?
June 19, 2019
Be yourself!
Everyone else is already taken.
June 19, 2019
Siri kept calling me Shirley today. I was starting to get really angry and then I realised why...
I left my phone in Airplane mode.
June 18, 2019
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest till I find it.
June 18, 2019
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday.
I told her “no way can we do all that in 30 seconds.”
June 18, 2019
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
June 18, 2019
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal.
June 18, 2019
Sometimes best friends have conversations that are hard to understand by other people.
June 18, 2019
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist.
June 17, 2019
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
June 17, 2019
I recently bought a new toilet brush.
Long story short; I’m going back to paper.
June 17, 2019
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
June 16, 2019
+1
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...
...so I stopped seeing her for a while.
June 16, 2019
Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up two of them become adult knees.
June 16, 2019
My old dad really wanted to make paper planes with him.
Eventually I folded.
June 16, 2019
That awkward moment when you don't understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.
June 16, 2019
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
June 15, 2019
In laughter the L comes first.
The rest of the letters come aughter it.