The Best Funny Jokes

I told my wife she’d drawn her eyebrows on too low.
She just sat and scowled at me.
March 17, 2019
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden.
Personally, I’m on the fence.
March 17, 2019
What’s the difference between piano, fish and glue?
You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish.
March 17, 2019
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.
March 17, 2019
+2
Son “Dad can you do my maths homework for me?”
Dad: “No son it wouldn’t be right.”
Son: “At least you can try.”
March 17, 2019
+2
I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now?
March 17, 2019
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...
I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
March 17, 2019
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it’s over.
So I packed her clothes and left.
March 17, 2019
My boss wouldn’t stop making pancake jokes!
So I battered him!
March 17, 2019
What’s an optimistic vampire’s favourite drink?
B-positive.
March 17, 2019
+1
What do you call a £1000 door?
A grand entrance.
March 17, 2019
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer yesterday.
I don’t know what he laced them with..
But I’ve been tripping all day.
March 17, 2019
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection.
She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.
March 17, 2019
Milk is the fastest liquid in the world.
It’s pasteurised before you can see it.
March 17, 2019
What did the doctor say to the man covered in cling film?
“I can clearly see you’re nuts.
March 17, 2019
My wife text messaged me with one word: “Earth.”
It meant the world to me.
March 17, 2019
I blame Mother Earth for all earthquakes.
It’s her fault.
March 17, 2019
What’s iron man without his suit?
Stark Naked.
March 17, 2019
What colour is the wind?
Blew.
March 17, 2019
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A wonkey.
March 17, 2019
My battery died the other day.
It was AA tragedy.
March 17, 2019
I got caught In the middle of two deaf people arguing in sign language.
I couldn’t understand a word they said.
March 17, 2019
I hate it when my wife keeps telling me that “I don’t get it.”
I mean, what does it even mean?
March 17, 2019
+1
After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working.
Your pupils. They dilate.
March 17, 2019
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire
March 17, 2019
When you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please?
March 17, 2019
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
March 17, 2019
Boss texts me: “Send me one of those funny dad jokes”
Me: “I can’t I’m busy working.”
Boss: “That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?”
March 17, 2019
What is a sausage made up of annoying children?
A bratwurst.
March 17, 2019
Did you know that Mr Spock actually had 3 ears?
A left ear, a right ear and a final front-ear.