The Best Funny Jokes

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town.
At some point he’s going to face time.
April 17, 2020
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight.
Sigh
April 17, 2020
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
April 17, 2020
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
April 17, 2020
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because it’s eeleagle.
April 16, 2020
I don't trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
April 16, 2020
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
April 16, 2020
+1
To the person who stole my selfie stick...
You need to take a long look at yourself.
April 16, 2020
year 2019: I wanna be a party DJ
year 2020: I wanna be a radio DJ
April 15, 2020
Know what’s remarkable?
Whiteboards.
April 15, 2020
+1
What was the name of the Egyptian that was buried with chocolate and nuts?
Pharaoh Rocher.
April 15, 2020
How do you get a country girl's attention?
A tractor.
April 15, 2020
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
April 13, 2020
Imagine if you could get paid for sleeping and dreams were replaced with ads.
April 13, 2020
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?
The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''
April 13, 2020
+2
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards...
...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
April 12, 2020
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
April 12, 2020
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
“Have to love EASTER baby!”
April 12, 2020
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
April 12, 2020
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
April 11, 2020
My wife is furious that our next door neighbour has started sunbathing nude in her garden.
Personally, I’m on the fence.
April 11, 2020
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
April 11, 2020
I eat less. I'm hungry.
I eat more. I'm hungry.
April 11, 2020
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7Ib 12oz.
April 10, 2020
Why do fish always sing off key?
You can’t tuna fish.
April 10, 2020
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refused to recognise Ty Won.
April 10, 2020
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
April 10, 2020
What did the green grape say to the purple grape.
Breathe idiot, breathe.
April 08, 2020
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
April 08, 2020
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name.
April 08, 2020


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