The Best Funny Jokes

The furniture store keeps calling me.
All I wanted was one nightstand!
April 03, 2019
I once accidentally bumped into Bono.
He got angry and said: “Don’t push me coz I’m close to the Edge.”
April 03, 2019
Why do elephants drink?
To forget.
April 03, 2019
+1
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there (re aloud, twice 👊🤣).
April 03, 2019
I went into Ann Summers and asked the assistant if the underwear was satin.
“No!” She said. “It’s brand new.”
April 03, 2019
Bill Gates and Elon Musk have teamed up to make a medicine for erectile dysfunction.
It’s called ElonGates.
April 03, 2019
How does a computer science graduate get a date with a girl?
Shit! Thought this was Google.
April 03, 2019
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster.
But instead he’s now more sluggish.
April 03, 2019
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism.
April 02, 2019
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: “Thanks dad. That means a great deal!”
April 02, 2019
What do we want?
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwwwww…
April 02, 2019
What does an unhappy Skandinavian say?
“I wish I was never Björn.”
April 02, 2019
I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend -- with my car.
April 02, 2019
I just said “no comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn’t get the job.
April 02, 2019
Don't follow your dreams.
Chase them.
April 02, 2019
The instructor in my self defence class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
April 02, 2019
I named my horse mayo.
Mayo neighs.
April 02, 2019
My wife told me to stop making references to Bruce Willis movies.

I said: “Sorry babe. Old habits Die Hard.
April 02, 2019
Q: What do polar bears have that no other animal has?
A: Polar bear babies.
April 02, 2019
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar.
Then I realised my whole life was a joke.
April 01, 2019
Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye.
March 31, 2019
I turned suddenly to my son and said: “Name two pronouns!”
He panicked and yelled back: “Who? Me?”
March 31, 2019
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.
March 31, 2019
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers.....
March 31, 2019
Went to a zoo that had only one animal - and that was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
March 31, 2019
That moment of disappointment when you can't find the answer to your homework on Google.
March 31, 2019
My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.
March 31, 2019
I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me: “Do you need help?”
I said: “Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.”
March 31, 2019
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
March 31, 2019
My dad said I always loved alphabet soup when I was young.
But it was just him putting words in my mouth.