The Best Funny Jokes

A shoplifter stole an entire case of Red Bull from my store today.
I have no idea how he can sleep at night.
July 11, 2019
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice but I’m ok with it.
July 10, 2019
I swear to drunk I’m not God...
But seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don’t do vegetables.
July 10, 2019
Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI.
But catscan.
July 10, 2019
What did the alien say to the cat?
Take me to your litter.
July 10, 2019
A shoplifter stole and entire case of Red Bull from my store today.
I have no idea how he can sleep at night.
July 10, 2019
That awesome moment when you're at a party and your favorite song comes on.
July 10, 2019
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
July 09, 2019
My neighbours listen to really good music…
Whether they like it or not.
July 09, 2019
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Seems she was see someone else the whole time.
July 09, 2019
If there's a hundred reasons to quit, there may be a thousand reasons not to give up.
July 09, 2019
What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?
The crews were marooned.
July 09, 2019
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.
So I got out of bed to look with him.
July 09, 2019
I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject.
Now when you mention botox, no one raises an eyebrow.
July 09, 2019
I didn't think my orthopedic shoes would work...
But I stand corrected.
July 08, 2019
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
July 08, 2019
Hugs were invented to let people know you love them without having to say anything.
July 08, 2019
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
July 08, 2019
I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.
She must be homeless.
July 08, 2019
My wife bought a new bra but it is really hard to unhook.
I don’t know why I tried it on in the first place.
July 08, 2019
I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow?
He said it was just a wok in the park.
July 07, 2019
I'm a Jersey girl myself. I grew up there as a latchkey kid. You guys know what that is? It's like a legal term for neglect.
July 07, 2019
I use to be indecisive...
But now I’m not so sure...
July 07, 2019
My son asked why I kept pacing in front of the clock...
I told him I was just passing the time.
July 07, 2019
To the person who stole my trainers and hi vis jacket...
You can run but you can’t hide.
July 07, 2019
I just the personalised number plate BAA BAA.
For my black jeep.
July 06, 2019
I saw my doctor today and told her of my dreams about Tom Jones.
I asked her: “Is this common?”
She replied: “It’s not unusual...”
July 06, 2019
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that’s what she said in her diary.
July 06, 2019
Last night I dreamed I wrote Lord of the Rings.
Guess I was Tolkien in my sleep.
July 05, 2019
"Dad, can you do my maths homework for me?"
“No son, it wouldn't be right."
“Well, at least you can try.”
July 05, 2019


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