The Best Funny Jokes

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well, yes, but actually, no.
October 15, 2019
I just got a new job as a street cleaner!
Turns out there’s not much training involved, you just pick stuff up as you go along.
October 15, 2019
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he’s lost the plot.
October 14, 2019
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
October 13, 2019
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.
October 13, 2019
If H2O is Water and H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide, What is H2O4?
Drinking.
October 13, 2019
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.
October 13, 2019
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Lawyer: So where’s my present?
October 13, 2019
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
October 12, 2019
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture...
But when I got home, the tables were turned.
October 12, 2019
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.
Unfortunately, she blew it.
October 12, 2019
My girlfriend - who is deaf - just told me: “I seriously think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
October 11, 2019
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the bill.
So the duck billed platypus.
October 11, 2019
weekend is coming
October 11, 2019
I'm from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle. I'm just kidding -- I don't pay child support.
October 11, 2019
My wife is like a newspaper...
There is a new issue every day.
October 10, 2019
I hate conspiracy theories and actually think there's a group of people creating them just to annoy me.
October 10, 2019
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
October 10, 2019
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says: “What an ass!”
October 10, 2019
My dad kept making a joke about an interrupting cow.
He was obviously milking it.
October 10, 2019
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
October 10, 2019
Why do Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?
Because in space, no one here use cream.
October 10, 2019
Someone just called me emotionless.
I don’t know how to feel about it.
October 08, 2019
Did you hear about the guy who keeps knocking over bookcases?
He has poor shelf control.
October 08, 2019
+1
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said: “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”
October 08, 2019
My grandpa’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
October 08, 2019
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But catscan.
October 08, 2019
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
October 08, 2019
If I open this bag really slowly no one will hear it.
CRUSHSHSHSH!!
October 08, 2019
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I’m almost their.
October 08, 2019


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