The Best Funny Jokes

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
January 14, 2020
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
January 14, 2020
Her: What do you do?
Him: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Him: No, the cars are much faster.
January 14, 2020
I was watching a documentary about a girl who got breast implants made of wood.
I thought to myself, “that would hurt, wooden tit”?
January 14, 2020
The pub was pretty wild last night.
A woman had her nipple pierced and I got banned from darts.
January 12, 2020
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An oopsie-daisy
January 12, 2020
What do you call a poor part of a town in Italy?
The spaghetto.
January 12, 2020
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
January 12, 2020
On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
January 12, 2020
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard...
He went downhill very quickly after that.
January 11, 2020
What does an Eskimo get when sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
January 11, 2020
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous.
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
January 11, 2020
My right arm hurts like crazy, but only between 9 am & 11 am.
Worst case of ten-ish elbow ever.
January 11, 2020
I open the window, it's too cold.
I close the window, it's too hot.
January 11, 2020
I complimented my imaginery friend the other day.
He was made up.
January 11, 2020
Some people say I'm too vague.
But you know how the saying goes...
January 11, 2020
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Actually it’s more of a wrap.
January 10, 2020
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chilli.
January 10, 2020
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains.
It was a Toto failure.
January 10, 2020
What do you call a lawyer when he's cooking dinner?
A sue chef.
January 10, 2020
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him: “You’re not going to find what you’re looking for here.”
January 10, 2020
My mate David had his ID stolen...
I now call him Dav
January 08, 2020
Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
It’s all over town!
January 08, 2020
My friend went completely bald years ago, he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
January 08, 2020
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?
Ha! I made you smile.
January 08, 2020
A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
January 08, 2020
I took two pairs of socks golfing.
Just in case I got a hole in one.
January 08, 2020
What did the little mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
January 08, 2020
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
January 08, 2020
How did the blonde die icefishing?
She got run over by the zamboni!
January 07, 2020


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