The Best Funny Jokes

Man: “Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Man: “Ever since I was Lidl.”
September 12, 2019
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
September 11, 2019
Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes?
It’s called the iLid.
September 11, 2019
Whats the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, while the other one can hoot but not shit.
September 11, 2019
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
September 11, 2019
I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up...
I lost my case.
September 11, 2019
Good friends give you food. Best friends take your food.
September 11, 2019
Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'
September 11, 2019
Roses are red. I'm going to bed.
September 11, 2019
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”
September 10, 2019
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
September 10, 2019
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
September 10, 2019
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other sentences?”
September 10, 2019
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought: “This isn’t for me.”
September 10, 2019
What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig?
Pulled pork.
September 10, 2019
I said to the baker “how come all your cakes are 50p but that one is £1?”
He said: “That’s Madeira cake.”
September 10, 2019
Did you hear about the incredibly average philosopher?
His name was mediocrates.
September 09, 2019
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Round?
Round...
Get a round?
I’ll get a round...
September 09, 2019
What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other?
Assymmetrical.
September 08, 2019
My father saved up his whole life so he could be cremated.
He urned it.
September 08, 2019
My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don’t mind.
I take it with a pinch of sugar.
September 08, 2019
How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
September 08, 2019
Genie: What is your final wish?
Boy: I wish I were you.
Genue: weurd but alrught.
September 08, 2019
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbour is dead against it.
September 08, 2019
Sometimes I wonder if there's a girl who doesn't like shopping.
September 08, 2019
When I eat pizza at 6 in the evening when I wake up, is it breakfast or dinner?
September 07, 2019
A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.
I said: “Well they were separated at birth.”
September 07, 2019
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube...
Just wait.
September 07, 2019
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up...
They’d be alloys.
September 07, 2019
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
September 07, 2019


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